All my life I have been going to church, I’m one of those people that you call “church kid.”  Except I didn’t really understand the whole “being in a relationship with Him” thing. I understood that we went to church, read the bible, and prayed. For the most part I considered myself a “good Christian.” Until one day I met this guy…

We started talking for a couple weeks until I decided that we should make it official. That’s where I made my first mistake. People at church started to gossip even to the point where our youth pastor didn’t want us dating. Like the stubborn sixteen year old I was I didn’t listen to any of them.

Our relationship had its ups and downs just like any relationship would but every couple months we were on the verge of breaking up. I didn’t know then that it was God showing me that this relationship was just going to be a big mess. The next year of our relationship went smoothly until our two year anniversary. We started getting into the wrong crowd and I became heavily influenced by him. I lost myself because I was so in love with him. I lost myself in God. Even though I tried to be I was no longer that “good Christian girl,” I was that girl who was dating him. That girl that the pastor was disappointed in. The girl that’s grades were suffering in school, the girl that would cry herself to sleep at night because our relationship was tearing me apart. I was the girl that ran away from God because I was too ashamed. I chose my boyfriend over everything.

On our two and a half year anniversary it wasn’t happy one… We weren’t fighting but it felt empty as if we were just going through the motions. We were together because we have been together for so long that it wouldn’t make sense to break up.  One night we got into a fight and it lasted a couple weeks until he snapped. He texted me saying he’s done. I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes. How can this be? I didn’t care if the relationship tore me apart because I would be more hurt without him. I didn’t care if he drove me crazy, if I cried every night, if he hurt me. It didn’t matter. I just didn’t want him to leave me.

Nothing could stop him from breaking up with me. I even drove to his house the next day pleading for him to stay with me, that I would change my ways, that I would try to be that perfect girlfriend that he wanted. My sister even witness this happen.. she saw how broken I was, but I couldn’t even see it myself. His mind didn’t change about breaking up but he told me we could still talk and be friends. That’s where I made my second mistake. I shouldn’t have stayed friends with him, he was using me. He even told me he didn’t love me anymore but I was still in love him so even if it hurt me to be friends with him I would. I just wanted him in my life and because of that I let myself suffer. Every night I cried, every day I got to see him living his life as if nothing even happened and it killed me more and more.

I tried to move on, tried to show on social media that I was okay too and that the break up didn’t affect me even though I was dying inside. I started to hang out with friends more, started talking to more guys, started to come home later. Until I realized that wasn’t me. Going out with guys, coming home late just drowned the pain for a little but at night I was still depressed. I didn’t know what to do…

That’s when I began to cry to God asking why He did this to me. Why did He put this guy in my life if He knew he was going to hurt me? Why didn’t He stop me? What was the point of me being with him? I was pissed. I couldn’t understand why a loving God, a God that cared about me would do this.

I was b r o k e n.

For months I was devastated, I was depressed. Nothing could truly cheer me up. Until one day it all clicked. Maybe it was all the people that were praying for me, praying for my healing because one day I realized how many times God showed me that the relationship wasn’t good but I ignored every single sign. Sure I was still heartbroken but God was slowly mending me and putting me back together. I started to come to God for peace and learned that He doesn’t judge, He doesn’t care about what I’ve done or how broken I was, He didn’t care that I ran away from Him that at one point I wanted nothing to do with Him. God was just happy that I came back and He showered me in His love. The love and peace that came from God was something that I have been longing for. Nothing and no one could’ve given me that kind of love.

As I was healing months had passed, but I still didn’t understand why God let me go through all of that. So I started to post mini videos onto my Instagram of encouragement for people who are going through breakups. Little did I know God was going to use what happened to me to help someone else. Soon after, I posted my testimony onto my YouTube channel in hopes of helping others who are going through the same thing I went through. It was amazing to see God work in my life, to see how he turned my pain into praise. To this day I don’t regret going through that relationship, I had some good times and even crappier times, but that relationship has made me a better person, it has taught me what kind of person I want to be and what kind of guy I’m praying for. But most of all it has taught me that no matter what God still loves you, He always has and always will. Nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, can take you away from His love. Sometimes God lets us go through though time to show us that He’s still there even in the low parts of our life, to help us grow as a person and depend on Him, and to let us use what has happened to us to help others.

The hurt from a break up won’t last forever. You’ll get through it, God will help you get through it. His healing, grace, mercy, and love is enough. Let God work through you, let Him show you want He wants to do through you. Guard your heart and be careful who you chose to love. He doesn’t want to see us get hurt so stay close to Him, stay in His word and watch Him open your eyes and heart to all things new. Watch Him transform your life.

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